Who is at fault? Spoiled brats, or parents without manners?

by Lyudmila Bloch, Etiquette Expert NYC
www.etiquetteoutreach.com

We all love them - those charming, adorable, cute, irresistible, delightful, walking-and-talking creatures known as toddlers. We parents are mighty proud of them when they mumble their first words - Mama, Dada, ball, doggie, or whatever - and are amazed to watch them learn more and more skills by the day. Why then do we fail to teach them the very elemental basics of manners in their first years of life?
Sadly, many parents do not act like leaders or coaches, and send misguided signals to their children. Despite great love for their children - and, they might say, because of it - parents often fail to give their little ones direction on how to behave in public places and interact with others. For example, when we travel by plane, we don't bother explaining that inside of the crowded plane we must speak with our "inside voices" to make the trip more pleasant for everyone.
The fact is, we "love" our children so much that we allow them to act like little monsters who scream, yell, kick, push, spit, and talk back, even when politely asked to behave or show a bit of respect toward others.
Of course, the great majority of loving and protective parents are full of excuses for their kids' poor behavior. We see this especially among mothers who immediately jump to their toddler's defense when a fellow passenger, for example, complains about their little angel's behavior. Recently, on a flight to NYC, I overheard an elderly lady gently say to a child: "Honey, please stop kicking the back of my seat - it gives me a migraine!"
"What do you expect?" replied the child's mother testily. "He's only three years old, and he did not sleep well last night. Why don't you just take an aspirin if you have a headache?"
In the meantime, I'm sitting next to the victimized lady, and at this point my eardrums are ready to explode, and my blood pressure is soaring to dangerous levels. But little Aiden continues, all the more savagely, to kick back of the old lady's seat. And why? Because his mommy did not get him his lemonade right that minute! Moments later, a flight attendant is summoned and asked to fill an impossible request - deliver freshly squeezed, in-flight lemonade because little Aiden will not stop screaming without it.
It seems normal in our society to do "beyond our best" for our children. Example: get a second job to pay for a private school that nurtures little Aiden in a stimulating, college-bound kindergarten. Days after his birth put him on the waiting list for the best private school in the area. Many concerned and ambitious parents from all walks of life don't think twice about going into a debt to pay for their kids' schooling, summer camp, one-on-one tutoring, etc. Amazingly, though, they neglect to tech them the very basics of life - respect and consideration toward others!
So, maybe that cold, freshly squeezed lemonade sounds like a great idea in mid-flight to pacify a spoiled brat - at least in this "emergency situation." Emergency or not, it is without a question, extremely rude and even cruel to treat others, including a flight attendant so disrespectfully. (Yes, the steward is there to fulfill passengers' needs, but he is not required to be a magician for cranky three-year-olds.)
So there you have it! Little Aiden gets the message too, and the message is that kicking, screaming, demanding, and spitting in public places is a normal way of communicating if things don't go right. Forget about fellow passengers - they don't count! (Mommy may even have rationalized that they're probably using their Frequent Flyer program, so a little discomfort should be tolerable!)
Parents can be so focused on shielding their children from unnecessary stress or unhappiness that, in the process, they lose or compromise their own values. Allowing unreasonable demands to prevail and unbearable public behavior to go on at the expense of others must, at some level, be at odds with the good person they take themselves to be!
Our sanity, peace of mind, comfort, and sometimes even medical needs are too often sacrificed to the little Aidens of this world, whose desires must never, ever be ignored or deferred!
The bottom line is that we, the parents, often forget that we are in charge of our children, and not vice versa. We set the example, we give direction, and we coach them and model kind and thoughtful behavior. As soon as they can walk, we must hold them accountable for their actions at any age! Children learn by watching and observing their parents' behavior, so poor role modeling or double standards are certain to teach children how to become ungrateful and obnoxious adults! Very permissive parenting styles breed one class of children - rude and disrespectful brats! So maybe today it seems inconsequential that little Aiden and his mother did not care about an elderly lady, suffering in front of them on the plane, but tomorrow, Aiden will surely demonstrate the very same lack of concern for his own grandmother.
To unmannerly adults (easily identified as such by the rude kids in tow) I have a warning: Prepare yourself, for the day of reckoning is at hand! One day you may find yourself sardine-packed between two snorers on a New-York-to-South-Africa flight in front of another adorable tyke, just like Aiden…And then you will have plenty of time to reflect back on your own style of parenting and lack of public etiquette!