Family Chaos: Redeeming Children of Divorce and Bad Marriages

When you were a child, did you ever dread going home after school for fear of finding your father had packed his personal belongings and moved out? Did you ever lie awake at night trying to come up with a plan to help your parents get on with each other and stop their endless fighting? Did you ever concoct a scheme to, say, injure yourself really badly so that your parents would be so taken up with grief that they would œget their act together? Were you ever overcome with profound guilt believing that perhaps you were to blame for your parents not being able to get along with each other? Did you ever think that you would die if your parents ever followed though on their threats to divorce?

Well, as a child of divorce, I experienced all of the aboveand more! I know from personal experience just how family chaos and fighting parents can damage a child. And then crown it with the complete breakup of the family and you will have hit the cataclysmic jackpot! My journey to wholeness, following my parents divorce when I was 12 years of age, has been a long and arduous one, and will continue till my dying day. It took the writing of two books1 on the subject to get a lot of my own personal œstuff out in the open where I could manage it. Am I unusual in this respect? I dont think so. Was I just a weakling who couldnt œget with itand make the necessary adjustments to a chaotic family in a timely manner?
I doubt it, although I periodically encounter adults who honestly believe it was œbetter for all that their parents divorced; that the experience did not damage them in any way. This may be true for a few exceptions, but I believe the majority of us see it differently. Chaotic families are destructive! Divorce is a living death! And I dont need to quote any expert to prove this. There are many factors that determine whether or not family chaos is damaging. The age at which your parents divorce can greatly influence how much harm you suffer.
Those under 12 or 13 years of age, who do not get appropriate help in dealing with their emotionslike anxiety, anger and griefwill bear the scars of their parents divorce every day of their lives. They, together with those children who must endure horrific parental conflict, will feel the impact deep within their psyches. Some children of divorce will have been hurt in so many places of the heart, that they become numb to its ravages. Some will even move into denial as their main defense mechanism. œI was a tough kid and knew how to stand up for myself, so I dont really care about what happened, one older teenager told me once. But his unhappiness in the years to come told a different story.
A word to divorcing parents
Before I launch into a review of why divorce is damaging and what we can do to minimize it, allow me to briefly address those readers who are, or are about to become, divorcedas even some Christian counselors are in this situation. This, next to death, is the most painful of all lifes experiences. What I am about to share is not intended to increase guilt divorce happens in the best of circles and one cannot always avoid it. While I am a strong believer in ˜marriage for life no matter what, it takes two to tango and quite a few are forced into a divorce that is not of their choosing. My purpose here is to raise hope for a ˜good outcome, no matter how bad the marriage, and point to some important positive steps.Take help from internet counseing .
God is the God of second chances, but bad life experiences can only be redeemed through intentional intervention in the lives of those affected. The nature of trauma, all traumas, is such that it does not naturally turn us to a positive recovery road. It chooses the thorny, troubled road. Ours is a society of divorce. We throw away marriages like used paper towels. But the children of chaotic and divorced families deserve special attention and help. I believe with all my heart that God has a special place in His heart for hurting children. Above all, He wants to make something beautiful out of their lives also. Christian counselors can do a lot to help both children and parents through this process.