weighty matters

WEIGHTY MATTERS
Why did you just sigh? Why is it that anything with the word weight in it causes a sigh? Don’t you just hate it when those skinny bitches, who have 500 grams to loose, hear that word and sigh? Don’t you just hate it when skinny bitches breathe?
I used to think that I had a skinny bitch inside of me. You know, the one that you can shut up with chocolate when she moans.
The sad truth is that as more and more big-headed children (a whole new article is needed for that) clamber their way into life through my loins (isn’t childbirth romantic?) I have retained a spot of pregnancy weight with each one.
Alas, now 5 children later, I have discovered that I have twin skinny bitches living inside of me just waiting to get out.
Does baby fat gained have an expiry date? My oldest daughter, Rae, is nearly 21. I hope I will lose the pregnancy weight soon.
Losing weight just seems so hard to do. All that talk of exercise just makes me hungry. Does walking to the fridge, if I do it many times a day, count as exercise?
Needing to lose weight certainly encourages creative, out-of-the box thinking. I ponder questions, like how much do earrings weigh? How much does hair weigh?
As I am writing, I am eating a slice of lemon meringue pie. Now before you judge me, consider the facts. If you break it down, meringue should make you lighter as it is filled with air. Lemon is fruit, eggs are protein and condensed milk, albeit a tad of sugar, is calcium! This should be declared a healthy snack! Maybe I should have a second slice for the nutritional benefits thereof!
Struggling with being overweight is really only a club that women can belong to. After we have actually physically been food, buy food and prepare food, we have a unique connection to food. Overweight men have no excuse. They must just make better food choices and walk the dog.
While man’s best friend is a dog, we all know that women’s best friend is chocolate. Fortunately, chocolate, the stuff growing on trees in Heaven, has experienced much redemption in the last few years – a sure sign that women now rule the world. It is now widely accepted that dark chocolate is filled with feel good properties (I could have told you that) as well as iron (probably from the shiny paper) and anti-oxidants. What exactly are anti-oxidants? Do I need to eat more meringues for their pro-oxygen properties to balance this effect? The health benefits of dark chocolate have of course, fine print. The brand of chocolate recommended is the very dark, very bitter kind. I figure if I eat enough of the regular dark and delicious type I will eventually reach the right percent of cocoa required for all those wonderful health benefits.

All things considered, I just can’t understand why I am not skinny, after all, my food choices are actually really healthy!